While we’re not doubting Santa’s too-good-to-be-true time management skills and apparently endless appetite or the navigational prowess of his reindeer (if they can fly, hell, they’re probably equipped with GPS), we still think his practices are a little…old school.
Like your grandparent who has yet to properly use Facebook, it’s time for Santa to get with the times, so we’ve compiled a few technology-featured strategies to help the big man upstairs (by which we mean the North Pole) step up his gift-giving game this Christmas Eve.
(And said features happen to include some tech topics we touched on this year…fancy that.)
GUARANTEEING THE PERFECT GIFT
Let’s be real: Letters to Santa are a little outdated, and these days we’re reasonably sure kids do everything on their iPads anyway. So what’s Kris Kringle to do (besides, you know, set up a Twitter account)? Much like companies use ad targeting, the guy with the big belly full of jelly could also implement practices to track kids digitally and determine the perfect gift based on what they’re checking out online. Audio tracking, for example, could help him discover what TV commercials feature items that most capture kids’ attention and interest—toys, tablets, anything and everything from Target—and then work from there.
After all, don’t forget: He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you think ads are good…it’s a privacy give and take.
While Amazon has a pretty incredible reach, Santa has to worry about customers—er, kids—all over the world. To make the crazy holiday season as streamlined as possible, we suggest he take a page from the tech company’s book and implement algorithms in his workshop, just like Amazon does in their warehouse.
The only thing he needs to remember is which situations are better suited man versus machine. Then he can just sit back, relax…and wait for his elves to be interviewed for a less-than-flattering NYT piece probably.
ADOPTING AN UBER-ESQUE METHOD
What’s better than one sleigh? A whole FREAKING FESTIVE FLEET. Much like delivery companies like Favor and Postmates or ride-sharing services like Uber and Lyft, Saint Nick could maximize his reach and efficiently by implementing crowdsourcing and enlisting anyone with a smartphone to contribute to the Claus cause.
After all, we’re sure a few thousand strangers with Range Rovers are far more effective than nine reindeer…though probably not as fuel efficient.
COUNTING MILK-AND-COOKIE CALORIES
Whether old S.C. wants to track the fitness benefits of hauling a sack full of sock monkies and selfie sticks (is that what kids are into these days?) or Mrs. Claus just wants to ensure those sniffles aren’t the first sign of a fever, hey…we’ve got a biowearable for that. Tech Tats will turn Santa’s body into a circuit board of sorts, allowing him to collect, store and share data via a wearable that’s literally mounted onto his skin.
Because while he may be an expert at making a list and checking it twice, remembering to, say, put on a Fitbit…well, that’s still sometimes a struggle.
…AND THEN MAYBE CONSIDERING A CAREER CHANGE
At this point, after spending, um, eternity with the same 9-5, Claus might be due for a career change. Times are a-changin’, and the analog lifestyle the old man is accustomed to is a thing of the past. But thankfully for Father Christmas, all hope is not lost, and it turns out Claus doesn’t need a traditional education or another four-year degree (fun fact: Santa JUST paid off his student loans) to score a job in tech. Many companies—Chaotic Moon, included—don’t require a specific background; they just require big talent. And through a coding academy, some practice…or maybe, you know, magic or something…coding is a skill the white-bearded guy should have no trouble developing.
After all, with thousands of openings for software engineers and data scientists on Glassdoor (and potential LinkedIn recommendations from kids all over the world), we’re pretty sure he’ll be able to find a job.